I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
