It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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