Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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