ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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