Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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