I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with