I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
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When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.