The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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