Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
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No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
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I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
don't judge my taste in strippers
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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