i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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