shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
