Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Couch. On fire.
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