Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize