Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
