How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
