Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
