I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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