I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
