Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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