Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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