you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
