I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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