at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
