We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
