Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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