I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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