They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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