This is not my ceiling
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
