Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
