I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
