Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
