3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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