Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
