Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
