I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Is it because I queefed?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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