imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
