LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
