i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
