Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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