I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
