I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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