I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
