how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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