I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I have already put on my inside pants.
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