I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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