Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
