the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My dick has a subreddit
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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