I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
