before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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