I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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