Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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