I wish my penis had an off switch
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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