Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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