theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
