On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
