God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
